Don’t invest more than you can afford to lose. It’s great that you’ve got a date but so far it doesn’t mean much. Don’t project. Don’t have any expectations of a further relationship yet. This is just the beginning of a possible relationship. This man is not yet your boyfriend and as much as you may like him, don’t be anything other than realistic about the situation. It’s a date, not a promise of betrothal. Don’t fall in love until you’re SURE he’s falling for you. Hold onto your heart…
Guys get put off easily, so once you have them on a date, avoid these classic mistakes:
Talking about your ex. Don’t do it. If he asks be honest but don’t dwell. Saying ‘I lived with a guy for 4 years and we broke up a year ago’ is fine. Do NOT go on to say ‘He cheated on me with my sister so I set his car on fire.’ Don’t talk about how psycho and nasty he was, don’t get into detail about his erectile dysfunction, move the hell on. Change the subject if you have to. You can explore the detail of your exes at a much later date, once he’s invested in you. If he talks about his ex ad nauseum, change the subject and if he can’t stop the verbal vomit, consider your escape plan.
Critisizing yourself. Don’t undersell yourself. Don’t list your failings. Don’t be apologetic about yourself. Diffidence is only attractive to mean men who like to dominate their women. Be positive about yourself. Talk about your strengths, not your weaknesses.
Overexcitement. I know you’re happy but try to rein it in. Remember, this guy is lucky to be on a date with you. Be casual, even if you haven’t had a date in a decade, chill. It may help to consider this a night out with a friend. Don’t overinvest in the evening and in him, try to just enjoy his company and to be yourself. I know it’s hard to do if you really like him, but you need to remember that this may not lead anywhere so for your own sanity, relax.
Getting wasted. For god’s sake, don’t overdo the vino on the first date. If you have a low tolerance to alcohol, abstain or only have one glass. I remember a date with a really sweet American guy who watched me down three beers and a double whisky on our first date and never called me again. It’s a good idea to stay in control of yourself for at least the first three dates. And if you are a heavy drinker who can’t go on a few dates without drowning yourself in booze then you may have a more serious problem than being boyfriendless.
Talking weddings and babies. This is not an engagement party. DON’T talk about how you’d like to be married by 35. Don’t talk about how desperate you are to procreate. Don’t show him pictures of your nephews or godchildren. Guys are very easily put off by this. They feel like you’re shopping for a husband and any single guy will do. It doesn’t really make him feel special, it makes him feel like prey. If he asks you if you would like to have kids say ‘Sure, someday, doesn’t everyone?’. If you already have kids you need to be super picky about the men you let your kids meet and they always have to be your first priority. He needs to know this up front, but don’t make it sound like an ultimatum. Talk about your kids, of course, but please talk about other things too. You still exist as a person outside of your role as a mother and this man is here because he’s interested in getting to know YOU, not your kids, or at least not until he is ready to invest in you. You should suss him out over the next 10 or so dates before you let him meet your kids.
Sex and the first date. I know we all know people who have ended up together after shagging on their first date. I’m not saying it doesn’t work out sometimes, but for the most part, those first night shags turn out to be one night stands. If you truly feel swept away with the passion of the moment and neither of you have sexual hang ups it may work. But I feel (and bear in mind that I am the opposite of prudish or virginal) that an overload of intimacy can leave one or both of you feeling at a loss afterwards. It’s difficult to maintain a high level of energy in each other after the frenzy of first night, lusty sex. Getting naked before getting to know each other is usually the end of the relationship.
Paying for dinner. What century are we in? Don’t get all hung up on who pays. If you asked him, offer to pay when the bill comes. We’re all suppose to be equal so why do some women expect equality in most areas but still want their partner to pay for everything? If he asked you, offer to split the bill. And if he insists on paying, let him. A great single guy friend recently heard that a girl he really liked – and who he had an amazing date with – was telling everyone that she wouldn’t go out with him again because when the bill came and she offered to split it with him he let her. WHAT A STUPID WOMAN! I hope she gets exactly the boyfriend she deserves. If you carry on dating him and find that he really is mean with money, then you are justified in getting out. But men are no longer sure of the protocol when it comes to paying, and to be frank, nor are women. It’s a grey area.
To kiss or not to kiss. This, my friends, is up to you. What are you comfortable with? If your evening has been flirty and you’re both feeling fired up, have a snog. If you’re still too shy, make a new arrangement with him before you leave the restaurant and tell him you had fun and would really like to see him again. Make sure he knows you like him. If he comes in for a kiss, tell him you’re not ready, that you don’t kiss on first dates. Don’t just turn your head and present your cheek, he’ll think you don’t fancy him. I usually used to kiss on first dates but then I am a bit of a strumpet.
Try to make another date. I always liked to know when I was seeing the guy again. The ‘I’ll call you in the week’ line was always too up in the air for me. Getting firm plans made can be tricky so say ‘Hey there’s a new action golf course at the mall, I’ve been dying to go and try it out.’ or ‘There’s an open air concert on at the lake on Sunday.’ Don’t force the issue, and try not to have any expectations. If you don’t make firm plans immediately, you have planted a seed that may or may not lead to a new date. But remember, unless the plan is firm, it’s not a date. ‘Maybe we should go and see that movie on Wednesday?’ is NOT a date, it’s a maybe. So if he doesn’t call you by Wednesday, don’t get pissed off. Until you’ve both said “Great, see you then.”, it is still not a date.
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