The week after a first date.

Stop checking your phone every 2 minutes. Get on with your life. Resist the urge to text him (Don’t send him a text by ‘mistake’ either, this is the most obvious thing in the world. I am guilty of this). Wait for him to contact you first and then reply. If he doesn’t contact you for 2 days after the date you can send ONE text. If you don’t get a reply, DON’T send another one. I really can’t stress this enough. Let it go and go on with your life as normal.

I know the instant gratification of sending a message to a man when he seems to be uncommunicative. DON’T DO IT, you WILL regret it. If he’s not communicating because he’s unsure of whether he likes you the best way to put him off is to keep texting him. If you keep your cool and give him space he may warm to you again. Don’t assume anything. One or even five dates does not give you a right to act as though you’re already his girlfriend.

DON’T GET DESPERATE. It’s not attractive.  Take my friend Lana. She went out on a date. Really liked the guy, great date, chemistry galore. He texted her the next day and she replied. He didn’t text for 24 hours. She texted him, he replied, she replied. Then nothing. Another 24 hours went by. She texted him. No reply. A few hours later she texted to say ‘Why are you not replying to my texts?’ No reply. The next day she phoned him. He didn’t answer. She left a message on voice mail. No reply. A few days later she sent a nasty text. He replied to that, called her a psycho and a stalker and told her never to contact him again. Does this seem harsh? Actually no. I would have had the same reaction as that guy. It’s not appropriate to think that after one date you have a right to constant communication from a man. He may be in a shit space. He may be swamped at work. Maybe he’s having family stress. Maybe he has flu and he’s spending some time in bed..

Or he may need some time to assimilate you… now this is something people don’t get. They seem to think just because they work in a certain way that everyone else does too. You may have instantly fallen in like and wanted to put the relationship on the fast track but maybe this guy needs more time than you. Give him that time. Let it go. And if he’s not calling because he didn’t feel a spark then you just have to put on your big girl panties and move on. He has a right to not want to be with you (even if it means he’s a total idiot who doesn’t realise how fabulous you are.) Calling or texting him all the time won’t do anything other than push him further away. So you have nothing to gain and everything to lose if you become a text stalker.

Facebook is a grey area. It’s so new that we still need to understand the etiquette when it comes to dating and social networking. Basically facebook is like a continuous  conversation. You can post a status about your date but don’t gush. ‘Good food, great wine, better conversation.’ is a doable status. ‘Wow, I am soooooo in love’ is dating suicide. You can also check his profile and if he’s commented on you, comment right back. You need to remember that if you’re friends he can see and read what goes on on your profile. Don’t post about him by name, it’s not polite.

Getting through the First Date without Drama

Don’t invest more than you can afford to lose. It’s great that you’ve got a date but so far it doesn’t mean much. Don’t project. Don’t have any expectations of a further relationship yet. This is just the beginning of a possible relationship. This man is not yet your boyfriend and as much as you may like him, don’t be anything other than realistic about the situation. It’s a date, not a promise of betrothal. Don’t fall in love until you’re SURE he’s falling for you. Hold onto your heart…

Guys get put off easily, so once you have them on a date, avoid these classic mistakes:

Talking about your ex. Don’t do it. If he asks be honest but don’t dwell. Saying ‘I lived with a guy for 4 years and we broke up a year ago’ is fine. Do NOT go on to say ‘He cheated on me with my sister so I set his car on fire.’ Don’t talk about how psycho and nasty he was, don’t get into detail about his erectile dysfunction, move the hell on. Change the subject if you have to. You can explore the detail of your exes at a much later date, once he’s invested in you. If he talks about his ex ad nauseum, change the subject and if he can’t stop the verbal vomit, consider your escape plan.

Critisizing yourself. Don’t undersell yourself. Don’t list your failings. Don’t be apologetic about yourself. Diffidence is only attractive to mean men who like to dominate their women. Be positive about yourself. Talk about your strengths, not your weaknesses.

Overexcitement. I know you’re happy but try to rein it in. Remember, this guy is lucky to be on a date with you. Be casual, even if you haven’t had a date in a decade, chill. It may help to consider this a night out with a friend. Don’t overinvest in the evening and in him, try to just enjoy his company and to be yourself. I know it’s hard to do if you really like him, but you need to remember that this may not lead anywhere so for your own sanity, relax.

Getting wasted. For god’s sake, don’t overdo the vino on the first date. If you have a low tolerance to alcohol, abstain or only have one glass. I remember a date with a really sweet American guy who watched me down three beers and a double whisky on our first date and never called me again. It’s a good idea to stay in control of yourself for at least the first three dates. And if you are a heavy drinker who can’t go on a few dates without drowning yourself in booze then you may have a more serious problem than being boyfriendless.

Talking weddings and babies. This is not an engagement party. DON’T talk about how you’d like to be married by 35. Don’t talk about how desperate you are to procreate. Don’t show him pictures of your nephews or godchildren. Guys are very easily put off by this. They feel like you’re shopping for a husband and any single guy will do. It doesn’t really make him feel special, it makes him feel like prey. If he asks you if you would like to have kids say ‘Sure, someday, doesn’t everyone?’. If you already have kids you need to be super picky about the men you let your kids meet and they always have to be your first priority. He needs to know this up front, but don’t make it sound like an ultimatum. Talk about your kids, of course, but please talk about other things too. You still exist as a person outside of your role as a mother and this man is here because he’s interested in getting to know YOU, not your kids, or at least not until he is ready to invest in you. You should suss him out over the next 10 or so dates before you let him meet your kids.

Sex and the first date. I know we all know people who have ended up together after shagging on their first date. I’m not saying it doesn’t work out sometimes, but for the most part, those first night shags turn out to be one night stands. If you truly feel swept away with the passion of the moment and neither of you have sexual hang ups it may work. But I feel (and bear in mind that I am the opposite of prudish or virginal) that an overload of intimacy can leave one or both of you feeling at a loss afterwards. It’s difficult to maintain a high level of energy in each other after the frenzy of first night, lusty sex. Getting naked before getting to know each other is usually the end of the relationship.

Paying for dinner. What century are we in? Don’t get all hung up on who pays. If you asked him, offer to pay when the bill comes. We’re all suppose to be equal so why do some women expect equality in most areas but still want their partner to pay for everything? If he asked you, offer to split the bill. And if he insists on paying, let him. A great single guy friend recently heard that a girl he really liked – and who he had an amazing date with – was telling everyone that she wouldn’t go out with him again because when the bill came and she offered to split it with him he let her. WHAT A STUPID WOMAN! I hope she gets exactly the boyfriend she deserves. If you carry on dating him and find that he really is mean with money, then you are justified in getting out. But men are no longer sure of the protocol when it comes to paying, and to be frank, nor are women. It’s a grey area.

To kiss or not to kiss. This, my friends, is up to you. What are you comfortable with? If your evening has been flirty and you’re both feeling fired up, have a snog. If you’re still too shy, make a new arrangement with him before you leave the restaurant and tell him you had fun and would really like to see him again. Make sure he knows you like him. If he comes in for a kiss, tell him you’re not ready, that you don’t kiss on first dates. Don’t just turn your head and present your cheek, he’ll think you don’t fancy him. I usually used to kiss on first dates but then I am a bit of a strumpet.

Try to make another date. I always liked to know when I was seeing the guy again. The ‘I’ll call you in the week’ line was always too up in the air for me. Getting firm plans made can be tricky so say ‘Hey there’s a new action golf course at the mall, I’ve been dying to go and try it out.’ or ‘There’s an open air concert on at the lake on Sunday.’ Don’t force the issue, and try not to have any expectations. If you don’t make firm plans immediately, you have planted a seed that may or may not lead to a new date. But remember, unless the plan is firm, it’s not a date. ‘Maybe we should go and see that movie on Wednesday?’ is NOT a date, it’s a maybe. So if he doesn’t call you by Wednesday, don’t get pissed off. Until you’ve both said “Great, see you then.”, it is still not a date.

GETTING HIM TO CHOOSE YOU….

Ok, so he fits the criteria. Now to let him know you like him. there a few ways of doing this. Start subtle – play  with your hair and touch your lips (sexily mind, no yanking). Watch his lips when he talks. Check to see if he’s watching your lips (a little smear of lipgloss wont hurt at this point). Be amusing. Tell a funny story that always gets a laugh. Don’t overdo it unless you’re VERY good at flirting outrageously. Flirt back as much as feels comfortable, enjoy yourself, be yourself – a positive-pleasant-you please, nothing like a bit of nasty and negative to put a man off from the get go. Laugh at his jokes, listen to him. Without simpering, make him feel singled out and interesting.

If he’s completely obtuse get a mutual friend to say something. Nothing too intense, a simple ‘Why don’t you take Lisa out for a coffee sometime, I have a feeling you guys have a lot in common?’ Whatever. Make them promise not to gush or put any pressure on the guy, and be CASUAL about the whole thing, otherwise they tend to feel like deer in headlights.

If you don’t have mutual friends, facebook is a great tool. You can say ‘Hey, your new profile pic is fab. I like you without the beard.’ or get even more daring and say ‘Hey, nice profile pic. Are you coming to Gavin’s party on Sunday?’ It’s a great way to find out where he’s gone, where he’s going and who he hangs out with. Don’t stalk though – or if you have to stalk, do so invisibly, by this I mean, don’t leave comments on all his pics.

You can also take matters into your own hands. I have always been forthright about what I wanted. Ask him out. ‘Let’s get a coffee sometime.’ If you are too shy to be  bold, say ‘I saw the trailer for that new Steven Soderberg movie. It looks brilliant, I cant wait to go see it, it opens on Friday.’ (note, don’t try lure him with a romantic comedy – you may fall for that bait but guys will generally avoid chick flicks like the plague. Choose an action/ thriller/ comedy or for an intellectual, creative guy, something art house. And make sure it IS something you want to see, don’t misrepresent yourself up front) If he doesn’t take the bait and say ‘Cool, me too, lets do it.’ then you can say ‘I’m thinking of getting a few people together to go see it, would you like to come?’ If he says no, don’t be disheartened, he may be too obtuse to realise you’re interested… or he may not fancy you. Tough one… And if that is the case, try to shrug it off.

If he’s ‘not that into you’.

There are a million reasons why he may not be ready to get with you, it’s not because you’re not completely fabulous. Maybe he’s in love with someone else. Maybe he has work stress. Maybe he’s really enjoying being single after a long relationship. And then yes, maybe you’re not his type… As hard as this may be to come to terms with, you have to. Suck it up, move along. I once spent almost a year in love with a guy who only fancied short, voluptuous black girls. I’m tall, red haired and pale… I desperately tried to get him to fall in love with me but the bottom line is, I WASN’T HIS TYPE. Simple as that. This is a classic mistake single women often make. They find someone who doesn’t – and will never – love them and then focus all their energy on the guy trying to make them see how wonderful and worthwhile they are. Instead of moving on and finding someone who already thinks you’re fabulous and you don’t have to keep trying to prove it. We’ve all done it, now learn from it and move along...

The Head, the Heart and the Groin - the Tripod to a Successful Relationship.

So if you've read the previous blog, you know what NOT to look for, so lets set up some criteria for getting involved with a good guy. This may mean rewiring your radar. And please, when alarm bells go off, don’t stand around wondering if you can rescue the guy, run. RUN AS FAR AND AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Ok. So you’re faced with potential prospect. You’re chatting, you’re getting to know each other. How do you tell if he’s got potential. Well, I always used to choose a man based on 3 criteria. I like to call it the head, the heart and the groin tripod. A tripod will fall down if one of it's three legs is too short, so what you need is a semi-equal measure of each of the following...

The Head: You have to like him. You have to find him interesting. You have to be able to talk for hours. You have to have similar ethics and you have to agree on major issues – it’s no use dating a homophobe if you’re all for gay marriage… and if you’re a weekly churchgoer and he’s a rabid atheist there’s almost no chance of a successful relationship.

The Heart: Do you have an emotional connection with him? Is he a good guy? Is he kind? Does he have nice things to say about people? Is he quick to anger? You need to know that this man has a gentle and loving spirit. That he will be gentle and loving with his partner and his offspring.

The Groin: Sex appeal… this is NOT about looks and more about attitude. I like slightly cocky guys who are completely confident about themselves sexually. He doesn’t have to be George Clooney but you do need to have a physical attraction. If there’s absolutely no chemistry now, chances are there wont be any later. If you’re not a particularly sexual person and he isn’t either, this may not be a problem but if you have a strong sex drive and don’t want to shag him then you are just looking for trouble. And vice versa.

Stop being so damn superficial! Sex appeal is MUCH more important than a pretty face or a washboard stomach. If you have always been solely attracted to drop dead gorgeous then try to start looking for beauty in all the men you meet. Focus on the things you like. Don’t look at the slight double chin, look at the sexy, long lashed eyes and wicked smile. Don’t let your eyes linger on the little paunch, check out that fabulous ass! Laugh with someone. I think a long loud giggle is much sexier than a long smouldering look. In my experience, once you’re in love with someone they get better and better looking and you stop noticing the skew teeth or the flaring nostrils that bugged you initially. Looks fade fast but a fabulous brain will still be sexy at 90.