1: CHOOSING MR RIGHT.
First off, you have to learn what to look for. When I look at the one common theme in the love lives of my single friends it’s a succession of hideously inappropriate men. Bad boyfriends are do-able in your early twenties but as you get closer to – and beyond thirty, it’s just stupid to open your heart or any other part of your anatomy to potential harm. If you’re reading this then you’re looking for long term relationships. Why waste any of your valuable time and energy on people who aren’t potential long term prospects? Look at the long term, healthy, loving relationships of people you know. (No, not your uncle and aunt who have been married for a hundred years and have built up a century of hate and resentment, look at the genuinely loving and happy couples) The common theme? Men (and women) who aren’t complete assholes. Men who don’t lie, cheat, hit or steal. Men (and women) who love, care for and nurture their partners. Isn’t that what you want? So don’t expect Rick Musclenuts at the Gym, who has already shagged all the personal trainers and half the customers, to be your Mr Forever. Because he’s a dickhead. Let’s go about finding how to choose the right men. They may not all choose you back, but at least if they do you have a much greater chance of ending up happy than you would have had with Mr Musclenuts.
And ladies, this means NO MORE BAD BOYS!
Yes, I know how sexy they are. The wild, hard, gorgeous, sexy guys who have dark and tortured souls. I have been there and been done by that. I got steamrollered every time. (This is not to say that there aren’t reformed bad boys out there, I am married to a man who cleaned up his act before I met him. He still retains the dangerous bad boy swagger but everyone knows he’s a pussycat now.) There are the obvious ones to stay away from, the violent ones, the emotional abusers, the cheaters, the druggies. You cant change them, you cant rescue them. Here are a few others to look out for.
The Drinkers – loads of fun until you realise that they can’t go a week without getting wasted at least once. Alcohol can be an excellent social lubricant but stay away from those who are constantly getting smashed. Some guys (and women) stop drinking, or at least slow right down, when they get involved, so if the drinking is not habitually excessive, it’s possibly ok. If he gets drunk every time you see him, get the hell out. Also, if he becomes nasty and abusive when he drinks, run for the hills. If he drives drunk, report him to the police and then run for the hills.
The Beautiful Stoners – Unless you also share this habit, don’t go there. Stoners will suck the life out of you. They deal with every problem in life by smoking it away so they have the emotional maturity of a teenager. They have usually never learned to deal with life as a grown up and chances are they never will. Also, they are not always the gentle souls that they appear to be, soome habitual stoners exhibit paranoid behaviour or have psychotic episodes. I dated a guy who had episodes of rage that turned into actual, thrashing, lying on the floor, physical fits. Terrifying. There are other issues too, weed tends to burn the ambition out of people. It’s a very rare stoner who manages to become successful in a career. Other unpleasant side effects of habitual smoking include a casual attitude towards personal hygiene and a tendency to eat all your chocolate biscuits.
The Charmers – this is the guy at the party chatting up the hosts wife while eyeing her sisters bum. Great to get chatted up by this smoothie but watch out! You are probably going to be one of a stable of women who wait by the phone for this charmer to call. There is a difference between charming and a charmer, I married a charming man who flirted fantastically but always with sincerity. He was focused on me and didn’t spread the flirt around the room. Charmers will feed you practised lines and push for sex. They are really good at making you feel special, they’ll lay on the compliments and stroke your ego – in the hopes that they’ll be stroking you somewhere else later. I’d rather have a small but genuine compliment than a large, gushing false one. They are usually only as deep as their one-liners, they’re rarely faithful and get a rush off shagging as many women as they can. It’s always nice to be flattered, but Mr Charm is seldom sincere. He will only be interested in you until the novelty wears off.
The Too-Good-Looking-For-Their-Own-Good Guys – supermodel types are usually constantly being pursued by countless other women – many of them supermodels themselves. You don’t really want all that competition do you? Besides, many extremely good looking men have mostly had it so easy their whole lives that they don’t know how to work at a relationship. Women throw themselves at these guys so if it doesn’t work out with you, there’s a bunch of women waiting in the wings to snatch him up. Not all TGLFTOG guys are a waste of time but I always made a point of not dating men that were prettier than me. They are often charmers as well and with the added advantage of superb looks they can bed more women in a weekend than an average guy can in a lifetime.
The Married/ Involved Guys – we all know the reasons not to go there… but just to reiterate. If he leaves her for you, he’ll leave you for someone else. Not always but mostly… or he’ll go back to her. Usually an affair causes nothing but heartache for everyone involved. This is not always the case, I know some very happy couples who started out with one or the other in another relationship. Normally, however, it’s a recipe for disaster. So if a guy shows interest but is involved, back the hell off. Sowing the seeds of a new relationship in someone else’s heartache will only cause a harvest of hurt for yourself later on. If he breaks up with her for other reasons and then pursues you then there may be a chance for a relationship.
Sad Guys – you know the type. anyone who has a serious problem with depression outside of a relationship is unlikely to get better in one. I’m not saying people with depression or with emotional issues are out of the question but I am saying that you cant expect an easy ride. It may suck your soul out. I know a woman whose husband has tried to kill himself eight times. If you’re prepared to deal with his baggage and you understand that depression will probably be the invisible 3rd party in the relationship for the duration, go for it. If you feel you’d rather be with someone in a healthy, happy headspace, get out while you still can.
The ‘Is he or isn’t he’ Closet Case – sadly many men who are unsure of their sexuality feel pressured to continue to date women. A lot of men do explore their gay side and then come back to women with the knowledge that they are straight. Some realize they are bisexual but want to be with women. I have explored my sexuality and I know I’m straight so I appreciate that men – whether society approves or not – have the right to do the same thing. If they are honest with themselves, and with you, no problem. However, I know too many women who have dated or married camp guys who have later cheated or left them for men. If when you meet him he gives off an extremely gay vibe, think twice. In fact, think thrice.
The Bitter Ex – I don’t know how many of these there are out there but I have come across quite a few. This guy will speak about his ex with such venom that you wonder if he ever loved her at all. It may be that he was fucked over by one woman and needs time and perspective to heal, but these guys scare me. If he loathes every one of his exes, there is probably a serious problem with this guy. In my experience these guys are woman haters. I made it a rule to stay away from men who aren’t on friendly terms with at least one ex.
So now you know what NOT to want... Where to from here? Wait and see...
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